Daily thoughts

There was a moment this morning, that lasted most of the morning that my attitude was “f— you. I have no need to come back here.” I don't even know what else to say. It reminded me of my thought of September 29. But you should not test a person only to prove to yourself that he is wanting.

I thought to row this morning, but somehow the morning passed without that getting done.

I am going to pray now. My mind, which was seething this morning is more on the drawing a blank side at the moment.

I do have a post of heroes I can make number two this week, even if it was drawn up around my campaign.

It is not the book I left. Either I have changed that much, or you have gone back to edit it.

I am up too late again. I went to an interesting talk this morning. Then I came back, took a nap, quite short, then went back for Mincha. I stopped at Stop and Shop, Staples and mom's. We had a game of Wizard.

I came back and thought I'd make crispy potatoes, but I cooked the potatoes to long. Instead I made baked mashed potatoes. I ate too many. They are good.

I read a little more in Lani's book, and now I go to sleep.

To the other one, I request a reply. I sent you a book. Maybe it's the wrong one for you right now. Maybe not. Either way, let me know what is up.

Thanks

So I have made it to Chapter 8 of your book again. I am enjoying it.

I am up too late. Shabbat ended. I watched Lady Ballers. I called Miriam. They were at mom's so I went over for a game of Wizard.

I came back and did I don't know what while I listened to Jordan interview some comic about his work. I had rice.

I wrote a letter to the editor in response to a piece in the Connecticut Post: Blumenthal's Hate.

And now I am here to wish you a good week. I must write my educator's manifesto for my campaign:

1. Celebration of life
2. You are the Solution: no space for anxiety inducing conversations.
3. Communities: family, religious civil are the heart of what works.
4. Certain conversations are not within the scope of our work.

Some things just get easier when you are tired, not the reading so much as the manifesto.

There's an Israel article spinning in my head as well:

1. Every life is important.
2. The life in being.
3. Gaza is Hamas is P.A.
4. If they say it, we should believe them.
5. Death is too good.
6. “Civilian Death” is rarely that.
7. Israel should develop its own defense industries.

I had another thought. It eludes me now. Good Week.

There's a conversation I want to listen to in twenty minutes. My head is not on straight at the moment. I know that none of our heads are really on straight, but I mean it figuratively, but it's sloppy language, and I should avoid it.

I don't know what I am doing here. I mostly see myself as a sad joke. I have a bag of tools. I think I'll have to look at the passion recipe again. Make the list, over and over. Make the list until something pops out a little.

I suppose I am doing something a little useful in the meantime.

So I think I will work my way down the prompts I have left on this page.

The first is “Been reading Lani's book” This was from a long time ago. I went to look again, and to my surprise, Lani has been writing again. Why didn't you tell me?

I was in the middle somewhere, so I read a few chapters to get to 45.5 of Book 1. I realized I wasn't really following, so I went back to the beginning. Then I looked at the end. Now I've just gone to see if I could print it out. I do my best reading on Shabbat, and that starts tomorrow evening again.

The middle didn't speak so well to me, but I'd lost the context, but I found the beginning to draw me in. Obviously, I am not the same person I was when I started reading it the first time.

But when I looked just now, I did see one thing that bothers me: it is your “Uniquely Unqualified” qualifier. On the one hand this is probably true of all of us at some level.

But then who else could tell your story? It's yours. And whether it is read by three people, or none, or thousands, no one else is qualified to write this story, your story.

Landmark likes to remind us that it is not up to us to decide who we are for others (except perhaps in the sense of declaring a possibility). The more generous thing to do is get the good that others think of us, say you are welcome when they say thank you, get that you are a positive agent in the world. I am sure this is even when you don't want to be.

So I watched fifteen minutes of the conversation styled a debate, but mostly just a shit-show between Governors DeSantis and Newsome.

But that's not what I came here to write about. I didn't have a good theme, so here's the next note in my pile:

The Death of Europe: A light unto Nations, The Mouse Experiment, The Trans Experiment, the death of sanity, the rise of hell(-ish beliefs)

This is an article idea about our role in the perpetuation of the world. I heard a piece about this today as well. Apparently there was an article in the New York Times or something like that about the ethics of bringing children into the world. The world is on fire and flooding at the same time.

My bottom line is that we need people cleaving to each other instead of to museum walls and crosswalks.

What would I do differently if I had faith in myself and my mission?

This question has been on my list here forever. It's a reminder to engage in this question, to start writing the lists I have written about above, that I have started so many times and never found satisfying.

I suppose a corrolary of this is why can I not just choose what I have? Or would I if I had been more successful at it. Or would I be more successful if I took what I knew to it.

Some things just come more naturally, or is it that they come more naturally because I so often don't want to be doing what I should?

If I knew I were dying in a month, and I didn't just decide to hang out with you all, play a few last games, try to have a few more conversations to know you are on the good path, and say goodbye, I'd probably spend my time on or in some sort of vehicle with a decent camera and catch a few last images. And maybe I wouldn't bother with the camera. It never captures what I want to anyway.

there are more notes, the next a “Rule of valuation.”

I would rather go to sleep now.

I finished Panzram: A Journal of Murder Saturday night. Sunday, only one of my clients showed up. The other had it down for a week later; so that is this Sunday. Then I was up until like two in the morning working on a complaint, which if it doesn't get done today, will cost me a trip to Glastonbury tomorrow. I am not happy about that, but maybe I can avoid that by just dropping the papers with the Attorney for the company in Stamford. I have a mail in to him, and he is checking if that is okay with his client.

Now I have to run out to read children's books to children at the Hallen school.

I did not try to push it yesterday. I was in bed by nine. But that had me up at four, so I made Challah, rowed 6500 meters, went to synagogue, etc.

Now I run off to the office.

Love you all and hope you are doing something that satisfies you.