Daily thoughts

You said you would be delighted if I would visit. And now I'm here, you have toasted my presence almost every night. I suppose I forgot what that means, your being delighted. It does not appear to be the kind of mirth those around you can share.

It's not like you raised a glass in a toast with me.

And perhaps you have no reason to be delighted. You are dying, it's true. And the odds being what they are, you will probably be dead before most of the people around you.

And other than the anger and annoyance that you express, and the concern about my son that you share from time to time, I wonder if you might drink because that's simply how you've trained yourself to deal with—or is it avoid—the other emotions that arise in human being.

And I think of the stories I created, in this case, “If you really loved me, you'd spend the time to figure out what I need. You'd find a way to break through my walls.” This was not directed specifically at you, but pretty much the whole world. I had the good fortune to get past that one. I realized that when I pushed people away enough, they just went away. I think I might have got that one from you. That maybe you are still testing people's love, and they'll never be able to prove it to you.

The thing is that's a lonely place to be, and I usually went there because I didn't have the balls to say things like “I'm scared,” “I don't know,” “I feel so alone,” “I'm lost,” or simply “Help.”

I also got angry with the world, and angry with myself, and I am really good at beating myself up about the things I've messed up, and the success I've failed to achieve, and the opportunities I haven't appreciated, or missed in the moment.

And sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm just a big screw-up, and it's too late, and I wonder that, knowing what I do about myself, anyone would love me at all.

But I've learned about that too. It's not my privilege to decide who is going to love me, or respect me, or want to spend time with me. My only job really is to accept the gifts of love and respect and time if people want to give it.

And sometimes it's about giving the people around me the opportunity to be for me.

It's about asking the shoulder to cry on when I need it. It's about asking for the time and the care and the attention, the hug, the ear, the listening. Because those things are out there for the price of a question.

Sometimes it's about telling people it's painful for me to watch you destroy yourself. I watch you fight to live, only to lock yourself away somewhere that doesn't look a lot like living to me.

So, I'm a coach, and I'm really a pretty amazing coach when people let me, and I'm going to offer my “eitzis” and you can do what you want with it.

But I'm also going to tell you if you don't do something, I'll be slower to come back to be a part of this.

So here's what you can do.

Talk to someone, anyone, but actually talk about what's so.

We've spoken about your own body's disposal on your demise. Why do you think it came up? Because sometimes a Jew looks at how he's supposed to deal with these things. Judaism actually has a formula for dealing with loss and grief. I wonder if you ever got it complete with the things you've lost. Maybe find a guide and do the work.

And now I'll get specific to your case. The next time you go for a drink, take out a pen instead. Answer one of these, or all of them:

1. What is it I might want right now that I'm substituting with this drink?
2. What is it I want to say that I am not saying?
3. What is it that I want that I am not requesting?
4. What is it I want to request?
5. What is it I'm afraid to ask?
6. What is it I'm afraid to admit?
7. What is it I don't want to confront?
8. What is it I wish I could know?
9. What is it that I want another person to know?
10. What is it I want another person to understand?
11. What is it I wish I knew?
12. What is it I wish I could understand?
13. With whom would I most like to share right now?
14. With whom would I like to spend some time?
15. What would I like to share?
16. Who deserves my gratitude?
17. Whom would I like to talk to?
18. Whose hand could I hold?
19. At what am I angry?
20. What saddens me?
21. What's frustrating me?
22. In whose lap would I like to sit right now
23. With whom would I like to laugh?
24. Who could understand and cry with me?
25. What do I wish I could just one more time again?

These are big questions. And it takes a certain amount of courage to even ask them. For some there is no answer. Some may take you places you don't want to go, but that's okay too. Our job—your job if you are willing to give it a shot—is to just ask, and then be with what comes up.

But here's the thing. Without the pain, you can't have the happiness either. Without letting the heart break, you can't have the first kiss again. Without the lonely, you can't know the love. But you need to give all of these things the place to be.

Of course, you can also choose to short circuit the whole system, but that's probably not the wisest way to be.

And I don't know if you can hear it, and I don't know if you care about wisdom any more. And, believe it or not, all I want for you is a little more access to happiness, and presence to the love in your life. And I'm frustrated I've never been able to give you that. And I'm tired. And I have other people to take care of as well.

And I don't know where that leaves us.

Except maybe that I invite you to look at what you could do to be the kind of delighted that people can be delighted along with you.

Dear Ilan:

You wanted to know what I've been doing. Here's the list:

1. I arrived February 18. I took a bus into the city. I wanted to visit Roger. He was on his way to a wedding. So I went out to the rents instead.
2. Monday, I went to Young Israel to pray. It was President's day; they didn't have their early Minyan. I went to Congregation Agudath Shalom instead. I started doing donut drops.
3. I did more Tuesday. I hit nineteen places between Monday and Wednesday. I also think I took Pop to his cancer doctor. It must have been early in the week anyway as I did finish the crossword.
4. Wednesday afternoon, I attended a funeral. I still don't know whose it was. Rabbi Cohen (who isn't a Cohen) asked if I could. I didn't really see any reason why I couldn't.
5. Somehow, I was too tired to completely read the bench brief for Thursday's National Environmental Moot Court Competition. I had an amazing time. I hung with the old lawyers.
   
   I'm suddenly feeling quite old. The first year law students who were acting as bailiffs for the competition were born the year I graduated law school.
6. I came home, sent out follow up e-mails to the people I'd visited Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I took a train for the city to catch a bus to Montreal. The bus broke down, so I got to spend three or so hours at the highway service depot in Cairo, New York.
7. We made Montreal by noon. I started walking off to the Chabad of Old Town to see if I could arrange for Shabbat, or I thought I did. I went in the wrong direction. Then I went back in the right direction. It was closed. So I walked over to the hotel where our Kappa Alpha Society initiation was to happen later in the day. I was early by a few hours, so the rental agent handed me the key and gave me the instructions. She also got me in touch with Chabad of Westmount, where I would pray and spend a few meals. After chatting to the workmen, who were finishing cleaning up, I had L'Hotel Peculiar all to myself. I wrote you all a little note. I showered.
8. Isaac showed up. I gave him the codes and keys and trooped off to Chabad, getting nicely lost along the way. I was still there on time, a good forty to 45 minute walk. I ate there with the Rabbi and some silly boys from Brooklyn who were in Montreal on the bachelor party outing of one of them.
9. The next morning, I determined to go to a different synagogue, supposedly close to Chabad, but not quite of the same flavor. I wanted to pray and be done. Well, after going wrong to the tune of about forty minutes of walking, I ended at Chabad, through a very lunch like kiddush.
10. Sunday was spent traveling home. I had a ride all the way to New Jersey in my friend Jim's BMW. I took a train from Secaucus to Penn Station, visited Dahlia for a few minutes, and headed back to Stamford.
    
Monday, Mom and I went to Best Buy and Costco, and I took a nap. Then I went back to New York for some Continuing Legal education.
11. Tuesday, I took pop to the ear doctor. Then I went in to assist at Landmark. I didn't want to wake the rents, so I walked home from the train station. I've done a lot of walking.
12. Wednesday we visited the accountant, I think. I'm getting my dates off.
13. Wednesday also was the Fast of Ester. I went to visit Mrs. Echental with Mom. I went to Kindergarten and First grade with her daughter, Naomi. Arthur, Naomi's dad, died last week, and we had only just found out. I went back in the afternoon, saw Naomi, and then headed over to Fidelity, to stop by and say hello to my friends Aaron and Amber.
14. And then there was Purim. I made a new friend. I'll tell you about him later.
15. And then I stayed up until three or so making a list of people I could visit yesterday. I went to early Megillah reading, did two donut drops, then came home because I thought Pop had his senior group. He didn't; so I went out again. I have an appointment with a Chiropractor for next Thursday, on the facebook marketing side. I hit nine businesses yesterday and dropped off some donuts with Aaron and Amber as well.
16. I came home. I tried to listen to a webinar, but fell asleep. Then I went to a reception at the the other Rabbi's house. Then to Minchah. Celebrations sponsored by Hecky Attar, off to the Hannah's, back to synagogue for Maariv, and eventually home to Oma and Saba's. I rowed my worst 10k ever, and finally got to bed.
17. I've kept my rowing up along the way.
18. I miss you all.

And what I really wanted to write about is the storm. There's a huge one here, and it's going to cause massive flooding and a lot of damage. But that's not how it feels here. Here it feels like spring. It feels alive. I just felt so peaceful going to synagogue in the rain this morning. It just seemed somehow connected between past and future and now. And I didn't know how to put it in words, and it sounded so silly romantic. Sometimes you just get that feeling of home.

I am going to take the next hour to follow up with people. I'm still thinking about what I've learned. Maybe I'll have time to share that a little later.

Anyway, I love you.

Have a great Shabbat.

Dearest Immanuel,

With us is G-D; Praise

I like to think of G-D as love and this is what you bring into our home.

We are blessed by your energy, by your kindness, by your thoughtfulness and by your love.

You like all our children are perfect. Our wish for you is that you always remember that, and that goes for the things you might not feel so good about as well. Your mistakes are perfect, your slips and missteps these are all part of life. Embrace them and learn from them, get that they are as perfect as you are.

It is our pleasure and extreme privilege to have you in our lives. Just keep being you, and enjoy what you have been given.

It's all you'll ever have. Make the most of it.

We love you forever and ever.

Abba and Ima

Dear Members of the Appearance Committee (and everyone else):

I implore you please to bring in your contractor and have him reset all the benches so they are straight.

I know I am an odd egg, but every time I see these benches, they just make me want to get up and leave.

I already hear those who would say to me, “What do you want? You should be happy that you have new benches.” But I am not. Where I go instead is that this is just another symptom of a people who can't seem to finish a job, who seem just fine with mediocrity, who have no value for excellence, who I can't trust to fix my car, or build my house (at least if I want straight walls), or square up the concrete around my grave (please G-d may it not be in Israel), or even partner with me to keep our community, or even our synagogue, somewhat clean.

I know you all have your special mitzvah, but for me something is missing. I constantly wonder how I can stay in a “holy land” whose people can't seem to keep it holy. It seems the basic context on which everything else should follow.

But obviously I am missing something. I don't understand how we walk through and so often pray in filth, even if it's just the tissues and candy wrappers and scraps of food left over after any typical Shabbat. And these benches are to me just another reminder of our willingness to overlook the basics.

I don't mind being the friar who makes the place he lives holy, even if it may be someone else's job. And I don't get what's wrong with being a friar anyway. They are people characterized by their service to society. I just wish I didn't feel so alone most of the time I am at it.

I somehow imagine that it is our job as Jews to serve and try to perfect the world. And maybe that appears in a thousand other ways that I just don't see, but I get stopped every time I bend over to pick up one more wrapper, or bag, or cigarette butt, and I start to curse you all, especially the people who would teach our young, or the people who just stepped over what I pick up, and I don't want to be that. I don't want to sell my happiness so damned cheaply. I don't want to sell it at all.

I am sure you all have your ways that you make the world better that I do not see, and I thank you for that.

But there is also what I see, and what so many visitors to our land see. There's something missing, and it may just be in me and who I am, but it may be that there is something we can bring that can change the listening of the world for us, and that's what I would like us to be about.

For me to hear יהיה בסדר just means “one day you'll die, so it doesn't really matter.” If that's the case nothing matters. But we say it does, don't we? That's what the whole Torah is about, to give us access to what matters. And maybe that's my problem with these benches. I say that who we are with them is a symptom of who we are everywhere. I think the people who can't see this obvious defect are also the people who can't be responsible for the many other ways they appear in the world, and certainly can't see the other ways they could possibly offend, and therefore could never take the next step to bring our people forward.

So, I hope this picture into my mind somehow makes a difference for someone.

I do choose to be at peace with you, and be the possibility of magic in the world. I also know I am not always responsible for that, and for that I apologize. And I don't know if the best way for me to make my peace is to make it elsewhere.

Shabbat Shalom.

I love you all (even when I hate you all). Like I said, I'm an odd egg.

David R. Herz

As of today, we have been living in Bet Rimon for 12 years.

Yesterday, the anniversary of our flight, I took the opportunity to acknowledge Sharleen for who she is for us, for people, and for mankind, for her stand for Israel, for her stand for her friends and family, for her commitment to raising thoughtful, kind, generous, smart, engaged children, for her love, for her smile, for the grace and ease with which she does so many tasks I am sure she is tired of.

And Sharleen got to share with me some of the lives she's touched this week. We are clear that we made a profound and lasting difference in the relationships people have and the lives they lead.

I also got to call most of my team for the Landmark Forum, and acknowledged them as well. Along the way, I called my friend Ido - I needed a phone number - and got to be his friend and remind him to be mine.

This week I got to see how much I still live inside my narrative that I don't belong, and how incredibly attached I am to it, and I begin to see how much it costs, and I got to call my friend Ido, and let other people know I am there for them.

I also see how much I don't want to ask. I noticed it this morning coming back from synagogue. I want to be nice, I don't want to bother people, and I made my team small as a result. They came to assist to make a difference. For instance, after asking them to clean out the bathrooms for the umpteenth time, I just didn't want to ask them to take out the garbage (I so don't like doing it, I just couldn't ask someone else to), but I knew it was something we should do. Two of my girls just stepped up spontaneously and offfered to do it, and they did it with such joy, I was just blown away. First, they just noticed and took it on. Second, my reason for not asking was just bullshit.

Hevi, another member of my team, shared with me a practice of hers. She gets up every morning, looks in the mirror, and declares a possibility. I didn't have a mirror handy, but I declared that I am the Possibility of Joy. And I got to synagogue late/early - I messed up the time - and I lost it.

A big part of the Forum is choosing, and the point is you can't change a damned thing until you choose what is so. So I have it that I should choose Bet Rimon and Israel, but as soon as the should enters, it's not a choice. And what's there for me is just how much I hate it, how much I don't feel like this portion of my life in any way uses the best of me, how I feel twelve yearso of my life have been mostly wasted, and I'm only condemning myself to more.

I came to the Forum to because I want to see what's between me and being successful. What I pretend is that if I make enough money/put enough in the bank, I will somehow know I am successful and be in a position where I can make a difference. What's so is that I don't believe it, probably more that I know that no matter how much I make, unless I can get my father to be joyful, to give up some of his anger and frustration, I'll never feel like I've done a damned thing in this world. And I think maybe that if I make some money maybe he'll respect me, and I don't believe he ever will, so what's the use. And maybe I just have no respect for myself, which is a real pity, because everyone else seems to think I'm great. So I be good, because I don't really know how to be anything else, but I'll never be happy. And how can someone who can't be happy be the Possibility of Joy? Or help anyone else to be great and happy in his own life. But somehow I do do that, but it's always a fluke, and it's never enough, and everything about me, and my life, is somehow wrong. And all I want to do is escape, but there's no where to escape to.

And I have all these beautiful people around me, who somehow have to depend on me, and there's really nothing I can do; so I range somewhere between trying to be useful, and wishing I were dead.

And I get to give that up again, and again, and again. And I'm exhausted, because somehow I never really do.

So I guess what I have to acknowledge is that I am afraid I am just screwed up, and inside of that fear, I've created all sorts of rackets (we define this as a fixed way of being coupled with a complaint) and strong suits (ways we have of winning) to somehow prove to myself I'm not. Included are:

• I have to be right.
• I have to say the right thing.
• I have to protect myself.
• I have to not appear stupid.
• I'm different.
• I don't belong.
• I'm smarter than you are.
• I know better.
• I'm complicated.
• People suck.
• People don't really care.
• I'm smart.
• Things shouldn't be the way they are.

And what I get out of this work is that that these conversations don't need to run me. In fact they suck the fun right out of life. And I don't need to let them run me, and I can create something else.

So the Possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the Possibility of Being Bold and Free.

And I'm scared I don't know how to be that, or that it's just another thing I'll fail it, and I get to give that up too.

And I don't know if this leaves you in a powerful place or not. I just share it because I'm not doing to great a job keeping it bottled up.

And I choose that “I will live my life out of the principle I make a difference!” and I choose “to make [that] our love for each other what [my life is] really about.”

And I don't know where that leaves me either, which is good because I can let you and the universe help me figure it out.