Categories: "Personal"
Friday
Hippity Bippity as we say.
It is sad that Uri may not be here for the wedding, but we have the Tux guy lined up in case he is.
I haven't rowed, but will when Sharleen and Lani go to the chiropractor. I went instead.
I got fatter instead of thinner, but it isn't as bad as I thought
Some business got done this trip. Yeah!
I made some progress on my Israel project.
I cut my hair; Sharleen did too.
I did row.
I also made challah.
And I got film and charged the battery for the non-film camera.
Happy Week. Happy Wedding. Happy Life.
Tuesday
I don't know why you are angry. I wish I could stop caring.
Fixation is common to the tism. I wonder what we have all fixated on that some relations seem so strained.
That was the leftover thought from Sunday. Today's thought:
If your cat started to run into a wall, and do it again and again until it bled and the skin was like pizza next to its one good eye, you probably wouldn't be okay with it. You would find a way to stop it. If it got caught in a trap, you'd do what you could to save it.
In all of creation on this planet, nothing has done what you are trying to do until the last blink in time. Only humans can be so self-destructive.
It doesn't matter how sincere your feelings. You can still be sincerely wrong. What people are doing to you only a few years ago would have been a crime against humanity, an ethical scandal, a social contagion. I came across this this morning. I can't locate the source right now.
The Ecological Niche of Transient Mental Illnesses
Four Essential Cultural Vectors
- Medical: For a transient mental illness to thrive, the medical worlld must give it legitimacy
- Observability: The disorder should be visible as a way of suffering
- Release: Despite the pain it produces, the disorder should provide release not ava11lable elsewhere in the culture in which it thrives
- Cultural polarity: The illness should be situated between two elements of contemporary culture—one romantic and virtuous, the other tending to crime or darker elements of society
So you occur to me as someone who has compounded a transient mental illness on top of whatever actually needs to be handled, but is not.
So I probe and I ask and I ask you to think and actually formulate answers. And you avoid and run away and refuse to engage.
The result is that I am angry and disappointed, and I am clear that I am not going to facilitate, or even humor, this.
I will continue to challenge your path toward self-harm facilitated by the most obscene hacks on the planet.
There are countless things to consider, and you have not shown me that you have considered any.
Further, you have lied. You said you'd get the mental sorted before you went down the drug path. You didn't.
If I could put every enabler along your path in prison, I would.
There was another thought, but it is gone now.
Sunday
Here's the thing: if it is true, there is nothing to run away from. But it should have some evidence for its being so. There would also be nothing to be ashamed of, embarrassed of, uncertain about, at least at the core.
It would also not require any particular support, and certainly not drugs.
If it is possible that it is not true, you should be willing to look at that so that you can make the best life possible. So I ask a few questions, and ask you to answer.
It is your life on the line. It is your health, your future, your well-being.
So please, take some time, alone, or with your mother/lover/bestie/therapist and start to get clear on these. Then let us start to have a conversation.
What do you think I want:
- from you?
- of you?
- for you?
Who am I to you?
Who have you created me as?
Why?
Based on what? What happened, when, what did you make it mean?
What did you conclude?
Why?
Who are you?
How do you know?
Why?
What is important to you?
Why?
Where do you want to make a difference in the world?
With whom?
Why?
What would make your life a win? Provide detail, what is time line, with whom, what makes it worth it?
What does life look like in five years, ten years, one year, one week, tomorrow?
What do you want:
- of us?
- from us?
- for us?
Who do you listen to?
Why?
What do those people provide?
What excites you? If you don't know, what are you doing to find out?
And now I am sitting here in front of the computer and getting angry. I want to know what other lies you have told. What was it that you said that your family was excluded from your care? Why would you go along with someone who accepted your prevarication? And if you are lying to someone else, is it possible you would at least consider you are lying to yourself?
And what kind of a monster are you making yourself into? And if you could take a step out of yourself and look at you, would you really think it is worth the price? And where is the therapist who would really help you to do that before you go and make yourself sick by wrecking the G-d given vessel through which you experience life?
pain
Does it hurt?
Not as much as your not writing like you said you would.
Not as much as the calls and texts that go unanswered.
Not as much as the anger and dismissal.
So no, it doesn't hurt.
today
There are two lessons this week that I remember: one, don't do business with ADT. I called to cancel my “service” with them, and they were just so pushy and obnoxious. It's a good way to not to do business.
Two, no matter the job, you can make the day more beautiful. Clyde collected the money for our parking at the meat place. I don't know if it was his life's dream to collect parking fees at the entrance to the commercial food facility in Brooklyn, but that's where he was. He found a nice way to engage us (that Sharleen came up with the two dollars to pay for the parking; she was in fur coat, I was in a flannel shirt) and reminded us to be thankful for what we have and share our love for each other every morning, and not to go to bed angry: you don't know you will wake up.
This week tested Sharleen's patience; we have another stray at the moment, but we are getting along.
In accomplishment, I collected Sharleen and Ilan from the airport. We visited Yakov. We visited the dead Yakov. We went to Costco, we watched a movie with Eliot on his birthday. We shovelled the driveways. We went meat shopping, and then spent hours chicken cutting. Sharleen visited Jacquie, Lani and Jaron visited museums, I visited my office, and Wednesday is done.